z

Young Writers Society



This Man I am

by MonKey PuLp


-This man I am-
My only memory of you, is the smile locked away in my mind
A shade I am, but a god for you
I am lost in a stranger's thoughts
A stranger of which I am
I know not who this person is
This person I am
This dark eyed man?
Who could it be?
This stranger
Staring from the mirror at me
I only know of me and you
But does this man know who I am as well?
And could he know you too?
I dream, and he dreams
I scream, and he screams
I cry, yet he smiles
I sing, yet he is praised
I don't understand
Who is this strange man?
This man I am
Who are you strange man! And why are you here!?
His reply darkening, confusing, and unclear
With that I could feel you disappear
Alas you have chosen the strange man
That man who is an imposter
This man I am
Why I ask, Why do you not love me
And the most strangest words come from your mouth
The same tongue as this man speaks
Alas 'tis nothing but a reflection
I turn to find that you have indeed chosen the strange man
This man I am
His face is my own
His hold is my own
His voice is my own
Yet why, is it I, that is alone?
I still do not understand
Who is this strange man
This man I am
A kiss I see, is the kiss I feel
This embrace all too real
I shut my eyes for a minute's year
And I find myself standing here
Where the strange man is
Sharing, feeling, our tender kiss
This strange man,
has helped me
Find who I am
And help to cherish thee
This good man
This man I am

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
10 Reviews

Points: 1071
Reviews: 10

Donate
Wed Jul 28, 2010 2:52 pm
wishonafallingpetal wrote a review...



This is really good. I am pretty much at a loss for words. I only have a few comments. This line:

And the most strangest words come from your mouth

Is grammatically incorrect. I hate to be the one to say it, but it's true. If it was purposeful, then it doesn't really fit into the rest of it. If not, please fix it.
This confuses me:
I am lost in a stranger's thoughts
A stranger of which I am

Here it seems that you're stuck in the stranger's mind and you can't get out. It seems this way for the majority of the poem.
This embrace all too real
I shut my eyes for a minute's year
And I find myself standing here
But a few times, you switch to being the one on the outside, and he's on the inside. At times it's a bit confusing to follow, but other than that, great job!




User avatar
165 Reviews

Points: 367
Reviews: 165

Donate
Wed Jul 28, 2010 1:28 pm
Sassykat wrote a review...



Wow. That's the first thing that popped into my head when I finished this one. Wow.

However, there are some mistakes. I only noticed a couple.

A shade I am, but a god for you
This line does not seem to flow with the lines before and after it. It just doesn't quite make sense. On it's own, pretty good, but make it go with the poem.

Yet why, is it I, that is alone?
Lose the commas. They are completely unnecessary.

Hope that helps!





Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
— Mark Twain